![]() I had a lot to get done today but after my boys' fifth tandem meltdown, I gave up on my to do list and took everyone outside. It was one of those frustrating mom moments and in the back of my mind was that old cliché advice, "the laundry will always be there, they are only little once," and so I then felt guilty on top of being irritated. That started me thinking on all the cliché advice new parents, mothers especially, get and how toxic it can be. It sets parents up for failure and amps up the anxiety of already anxious people, like me. So I put together a list of, probably well meaning but essentially toxic, advice that I wish I had never heard and hope to never hear again. "The laundry will always be there but kids don't stay little for long" The point of this advice is for parents to realize that the time for having a spotless house is not when their kids are little, but they should, instead, focus on their children and developing memories and solid relationships with them while they are still young and primarily at home. It is good in theory BUT, guess what? In reality, THE LAUNDRY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE!!! As in, you can't wait until your kids grow up to address the growing piles of it. Should a spotless house be our only concern? No. Do we still need to clean our house regardless of how old our kids are? Yes I am not the best housekeeper and I have no problem leaving the dishes in the sink so that we can have extra cuddle time or a family walk. That being said, there are days when I need to get things done so I don't end up losing a kid under a pile of mega blocks and my husband doesn't have to wear one of my blouses to work because I haven't done laundry. When those days come, I need not to have the mom guilt and anxiety amplified by hearing that whatever task I need to accomplish is menial compared to spending time with my children. In the grand scheme of things, dishes are low on the priority list but, if someone doesn't do them, I can't cook meals for these precious children. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" This is tried and true advice that every new mother gets and I loathe it. First of all, new babies sleep on a crazy schedule because they have nothing else on the agenda but being cute, eating, crying, sleeping, and pooping. That is it. Moms, on the other hand, need to do lots of other things to keep their families and themselves alive. If we slept while the baby slept, we'd never get to shower, eat, cook, clean, talk to another adult, nor have any kind of sex life with our partner, etc. Should new moms take a nap when they need it, if the baby is sleeping? Absolutely! Should they also feel free to catch up on other things during that time so that when the baby wakes up they can be present and involved with the sweet little bundle of wonder? Also, yes. "Don't blink, it goes by so fast" and "Enjoy every moment" These little nuggets are usually said by parents who have raised their children, if not fully, at least into a much more independent state. They look back on the times they had with their kids as babies and toddlers through a rosy glow of amnesia that blocks out the temper tantrums and times they spent crying in the shower. They see their children grown and long for one last sticky cuddle or annoying mid week tball game. I think that is normal and something we all can relate to when we look back at times in our life, like high school, that seem so much more carefree now that time has distanced us from the day to day turmoil that time period brings. The thing is, when you have recently spent the afternoon cleaning poop mixed with vapor rub off the wall of your son's walls, like I have, having someone tell you to enjoy every moment makes you want to hand them the rubber gloves and Clorox wipes and give them a reality check of what parenting young children is actually like. It puts unnecessary pressure on parents because there are many moments of parenting that are not enjoyable and they should be able to feel that and voice that without being made to feel like they aren't grateful for their kids and the lives they are living. I suffered two miscarriages and two high risk pregnancies, My boys are the miracles that I prayed for and I am so beyond grateful to be their mom. None of that changes because I don't enjoy talking my child down like a hostage negotiator when he has his daily epic meltdown. My love for my children is not measured by how much I enjoy sleep deprivation due to my youngest's sleep regressions. It is measured by the fact that I hate sleep regressions but still get up, stumble to his room, and soothe my little guy anyway. Constantly reminding parents of the need to enjoy every second with their children because time goes by so fast is anxiety producing. We are all aware that time flies but hearing that all the time makes anxious mamas, like me. worry that any time spent without our children is a waste of this precious quickly dwindling time. We fret over that romantic getaway, that is desperately needed, or put off self care and hobbies outside our families because the kids are only little once and we need to soak it all up. Of course, then once the kids are grown, we find that our marriages are distant and we have no life outside our kids to fall back on. Try this instead So if you are like me, and are tired of hearing these old standbys, what can we say and do to change the mentality to one that supports new parents rather than dismissing what they are going through or adding more pressure to their overburdened shoulders.
Now I must go do some laundry while my baby sleeps because it is ALWAYS there.
1 Comment
Alex Langley
6/14/2022 05:15:02 am
#TRUTH
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