 If you are looking for a story with a beautiful bow on the ending, this isn't it. If you are looking for a authentic and vulnerable look at how learning that I have ADHD at 41 has impacted my life thus far, this is the post for you. I can't give you the feel good happy ending because I am not there yet. I am at the beginning of this journey and I hope, through sharing my story, I can help others going through this not feel so alone.
The Backstory When I was a kid, in the glorious 80s and 90s, ADHD was something that hyper little boys with behavior problems had. Little girls RARELY were diagnosed and little girls who were smart, not behavior problems, and did well academically in school definitely didn't get diagnosed. The mental health and medical fields were a ways off from realizing that ADHD came in different forms and that girls, more often than not, were ADHD inattentive vs ADHD hyperactive. I hit middle and high school and those hormones threw me for a loop. I began to struggle more with organization, forgetting assignments, and things like that but I was in the gifted program and able to be successful, for the most part. I did get in trouble at school and home for my disorganization and flakiness. I had "so much potential" but I wasn't applying myself fully or I "wasn't taking things seriously." I had anxiety attacks that started around 5th grade but didn't get to be a real problem until I hit my early 20s and had what amounts to a nervous break down. I could barely leave the house. For 5 years I worked so hard in therapy, through prayer, and to find the right medications. I finally was able to leave anxiety medicine behind me. I went back to school at 27 to become a teacher and was president of the education department's student council, in an international honor society for educators, awarded a scholarship for urban educators, piloted a study abroad program for student teaching in China, and received a Top 100 Outstanding Student award my senior year at my university for my community service and academic achievements. I went on to become an excellent educator that received accolades in my district, presented at education conferences, was selected for the prestigious Library of Congress Summer Teaching Institute, and received a full ride scholarship from East Carolina University and the Laura Bush Foundation to pursue my MLS. On paper I looked like a rock star teacher and all around boss that had my life together but, in reality, I was struggling. My anxiety and depression had come back with a vengeance. I worked hard and was a creative and empathetic teacher but struggled with the administrative side of my job, consistency, relationships, remembering things, focusing, motivation, and self esteem. Why was I like this? Why was I so smart and capable but unable to keep my apartment clean or get to my job 10 mins away without being late? Why weren't my papers graded and my students' data binders up to date, like my colleagues? Why couldn't I just get stuff done like a normal person? Why did I just zone out or fall asleep when I had so much to do? My answer inevitably would be that I was lazy, weak, flaky, or another of the hundreds of negative things I had heard or thought about myself over the years. Basically, my conclusion, in spite of my success, is that I was a worthless garbage person and everyone would eventually stop being fooled and figure it out. Sounds fun, right? Maybe She's Worthless, Maybe It's ADHD As a teacher, I began to get lots of forms to fill out from my students' doctors to evaluate them for ADHD. As I went through multiple pages of questions, I started to see that not only did some of my students need some extra support, but that I ticked off far more of the boxes than one who never even considered themselves to have ADHD should. I did what all good teachers and librarians excel at, I researched the ins and outs of the disorder. I found great strategies for my students and began to get the sneaking suspicion that I might be dealing with something more than being a flake. At that point though, I was starting down the path to becoming "advance maternal age" and trying to get pregnant, or in my case stay pregnant long enough to deliver healthy babies, and getting myself diagnosed or starting new medicine wasn't a priority or a very good idea for the health of the baby. Time for Me Fast forward through two miscarriages, two healthy pregnancies, and a pandemic and here I am. A 41 year old stay at home mom who finally has time to prioritize my own health outside that of being a healthy vessel to carry children. The first thing I did was go to my doctor and talk about a hysterectomy and my suspicions that I may have ADHD. The doctor asked me why I felt I had it and I started spewing all the issues and examples I had been reflecting on since I started to become aware that ADHD might be something I needed to look into more.
Neurodivergent...Now What? Smash cut to a month later and the neuropsychologist confirms ADHD Inattentive as my main issue and my anxiety and depression as secondary issues that stem from trying to cope with ADHD for years undiagnosed. Neurodivergent, is a term she used and it hit me like a ton of bricks. All those years I felt out of place and like I didn't think like other people, I was right! I literally don't process things the same way as other people. Instead of feeling vindicated though, I felt sad and angry. Sad for that little girl who got in trouble for not being organized and angry because it was presented as a moral failing, when really I lacked executive functioning skills. Sad because I spent so long feeling like a dumpster fire of a human being and mad because, even now, knowing that my brain is different, that feeling didn't go away. Amazing Meds, Therapy, and Grace So now at, soon to be, 42, I am on medication for my ADHD. We are still trying to find the exact medication and dosage that serves my needs best but the first few days I was on meds, it was like a whole new world. Being a former teacher, I can only explain it as when I am unmedicated my brain sounds like when my classes would work on group projects in the room. It was like all my thoughts were shouting to be heard over the group next to them. There were a lot of great thoughts in there but as a whole, absolute chaos. On medication, it is like when I would lead a class discussion and my students would raise their hands and not talk over each other. I am able to focus on one or two thoughts at a time instead of having 20 pinballing around in my head. I am so much more productive and less overwhelmed. I also am working through the self loathing I have felt for years in therapy and by researching more about this big, busy, beautiful mind of mine. I am learning to give myself grace when the house doesn't look like how I was raised a house should look. I am learning to focus on the attributes and talents I have, instead of dwelling on the ones that are out of my control. I am also learning how to change some of the things that are in my control by using additional supports. One of the things that I do at the end of each day that has really helped is, instead of making a to do list or focusing on all the tasks I didn't complete and beating myself up over it, I make a list of all the things I have accomplished. Could be big things like swept and mopped the downstairs or little every day things like, fed the kids and got them to preschool on time. I don't assign a value to the tasks, I just list them and then I sit and look at the proof or read them to my husband. It makes me feel so much better to end the day looking at a list of what I did versus a task list for the next day, which can leave me overwhelmed and defeated before I start. I have been reading books and articles to help me gain insight and strategies on how to overcome ADHD obstacles and develop the "super powers" that those with ADHD can have, "hello, hyper focus!" I highly recommend The Queen of Distraction by Terry Matlen, if you are a reader. Another thing that has helped is that I listen to the podcast Motherhood in ADHD by Patricia Sung because it provides me with great information about the patterns, thought processes, and struggles adult women with ADHD face while encouraging me to focus on the amazing things about me as a mother that come straight from that ADHD part of me, like my creative side and my spontaneous nature that makes being my kid fun and educational. I am also taking one of her online courses that helps ADHD moms create a calendar system that works for OUR specific brains. You can check out her resources on her website https://www.patriciasung.com. Finally, I watch videos from people like the Holderness family (https://theholdernessfamily.com) , Laura Clery (https://lauraclery.com), and Dr, Kojo Sarfo when I am feeling down about ADHD problems. Penn and Kim are very outspoken about Penn's ADHD and how it is a blessing and sometimes a curse. Laura Clery and her husband, Stephen, recently were diagnosed with ADHD and documented the whole process. Dr. Kojo Sarfo (https://www.kojosarfo.com), is a mental health provider and advocate who has ADHD and makes TikTok type videos about symptoms and situations that will make anyone with ADHD say, "oh my goodness, SAME!" All of these folks tackle ADHD and mental health with humor and authenticity that just makes me feel better about myself along the way. Like I said, there is no neat bow on this story. It honestly is a journey I have only recently realized I was on. I share it, in its raw and unfinished state, because I know I can't be the only one that needs to hear that it is okay to struggle with it but learning to love yourself is important, no matter what age you start.
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